Most people are bad at it but don't even realise it.
Most people avoid it, some crave it but it happens every day and we need to know how to handle it.
This happens every day. Not necessarily big things. So small that our response becomes habitual and we don’t even realise it. What am I talking about? Conflict. When we say conflict we tend to think of big arguments but conflict comes in all shapes and sizes. It could be as simple as leaving the carton of milk on the bench in the kitchen or someone leaving the copying paper out so you had to put it away. Or it could be big things like a disagreement on strategy and the way forward on the current crisis.
Most people try to avoid it. They feel uncomfortable and don’t want to deal with it. Others may relish conflict and look for it everywhere. We’re not dealing with the second case here. We’re dealing with people like me and you who don’t know how to deal with conflict.
Zero Sum Game…Or Is It?
Most people avoid it because they think conflict is a zero-sum game - win or lose. This isn’t combat or sports. We are talking about differences and disagreements in the modern workplace. There are other outcomes. Because we’re working with colleagues and have interdependent relationships in the workplace, the outcome we’re after is a win-win.
A win-lose outcome may be ideal for you in the short term but may not work out in the long term. It may be a valid scenario in some situations, for example competing for a tender against a competitor.
The first thing we need to do is choose to engage. Meaning we don’t avoid it. We don’t leave the room, give in or fight back. We choose to be present, understand what is happening and work towards a mutually beneficial outcome.
By choosing to engage, you’re already changing your mindset. You’ve taken a step forward.
“Seek First to Understand, Then to be Understood” - Stephen Covey
This is habit 5 of Stephen Covey’s 5 Habits of Highly Effective People.
This skill not only helps to develop an understanding of the other party’s view, it also builds trust with the other party.
Do you listen to understand or with the intent to reply? Most people don’t listen, they wait for their turn. They think about what they are going to say and how they will say it. They may have one ear out for what the other person is trying to say. But they’re just waiting for their turn.
Active listening is hard work. You need to be present, have patience, push away any internal dialogue you may have and observe the body language. Don’t make judgements or assumptions.
Paraphrase what you heard to verify what they are saying and show that you understand. Acknowledge their feelings and show empathy when they convey their feelings.
Body language is an important part of listening. Show interest and that you are open to what they’re saying. For example nodding your head to acknowledge what they are saying, maintaining eye contact and not crossing your arms.
Be a Jedi, not A Sith Lord
Manage your reaction by being aware of your body language and tone of voice. This will require practice. Don’t react or say something negatively and make the situation worse. Be assertive but not aggressive. Your tone of voice, intention, inflection and choice of words will determine that.
If you find yourself angry or upset with a person, be curious about what they are seeing. Don’t excuse their actions or their words. Being curious will help change your perspective.
State your position and feelings in a non-aggressive way. Don’t be indifferent and show compassion to the other party.
You Win, I Win, Everybody Wins
Thinking win-win comes from a mindset of abundance and mutual benefit.
Some things you can do to find a resolution to the conflict are:
Find common ground - what do you both agree on?
Try some options - what possible ideas that you both can try?
Seeing a different perspective - a change of perspective will help in getting to a possible solution.
Compromise - is there a compromise that needs to happen?
Conflict management takes practice. Below are some exercises that you can practice to take your conflict management skills to the next level.
Practice
A couple of exercises that you can practice for your conflict management skills. Let me know how the practices went. What did you learn? What changes are you making going forward?
Active Listening
When listening, practice suspending judgment, tuning out and making assumptions. Be aware when you’re doing this and make a note to stop it when you find yourself making judgements, tuning out and making assumptions. Write in a notebook of the conversation to help you be present and listening.
Body Language
Take a video of yourself when you have a conversation with a friend. Notice your body language (including tone of voice). Get feedback from your friends and others on your body language.
Based on the feedback, practice having an open, non-aggressive and listening body language and tone of voice.
Resources
Some podcast episodes on conflict management from the highly recommended show How to be Awesome at your job by Pete Mockaitis.
Conflict management search on the podcast.
My Resources
Below are some of my free resources if you’re new to project management.
Paid Resources
Simple and Effective Project Risk Management - for those new to project management. It will teach you what you need to know and get you started quickly.