Conflict Management Revisted
Adding layers to the skill.
Back in April, I wrote about conflict management and some practices that you can do to improve your capabilities in managing disagreements and conflict.
This month, I’d like to revisit that skill and start adding some layers to it. This will give you more techniques to consider and add to your toolkit.
Steps to managing conflict
Decide to engage. Don’t avoid it. By avoiding it, you are increasing your level of stress and anxiety by leaving things unresolved. Approach it with a curious and open mind. Try not to see the other person as the problem but as trying to understand the situation and the other party.
Gather information. This is where your curiosity comes in. The objective is to understand the other person and their point of view. What are their perspective, and feelings? And what do they want?
Ask open-ended questions, ie questions without a Yes or No answer. This is where your skill in active listening comes in as well. Play it back to them to ensure you understand what they are saying and paraphrase it with empathy.
The important thing here is to be authentic and not to pretend to be understanding or empathetic when you don’t feel it. People can pick it out, but it will not help resolve the situation.
Communicate what you want. Again using appropriate tone of voice, body language and words are important. You don’t want to come across as being demanding and aggressive.
Brainstorming solutions. Once we understand what the other person wants and you have communicated your wants, it’s time to find a solution to resolve the conflict. Generate ideas that can help resolve the dispute, share all ideas with the other party and encourage people to be heard and be respectful of other people’s ideas.
Work through the ideas. Not all ideas are created equal. Be curious, and open-minded about the possible solutions. Test them out by asking questions. Also, consider what you can and can’t live with.
Agree on the way forward. What are the ideas that both of you agree on? Clarify the agreed solution. Make sure that both of you agree on the solution and understand what it means for you both. Finish up on a positive note. But that is not the end of it. Take ownership of the actions and agreements on your part and any follow-ups that are required.
These steps are linear but in reality, you may iterate through a number of the steps or go back to an earlier step before you can move forward. Don’t expect things to work out in a logical step.
If you take this formula and add in the ideas from the earlier article, your skill set for managing conflict and disagreements will increase. Now practice it to refine and improve your skills. You don’t have to wait for a conflict or disagreement to practice it. You can practice each step or skill separately in your day-to-day life, whether it’s work or family.
Emotional Regulation
During a disagreement or conflict with another person, emotional regulation is a key skill to stop the disagreement from escalating. Things may be said or done that trigger you.
Some ways to regulate your emotions during a disagreement are:
Pause before reacting. Take a breath and count to ten. This will stop any impulsive reactions that can escalate the situation.
Focus on your breath. Slow down your breathing and be mindful of the breath in and out. Be aware of how the breath moves your chest and abdomen and feel the air inhaling and exhaling through your nose. This helps with lowering the negative emotions of stress, anxiety and anger.
Name your emotion. Internally verbalise your emotion - “I feel anger” not “I am angry”. The difference is that the former helps separate the emotion from you while the latter connects the emotion to your identity. This will help you observe the emotion and keep it distant.
Take a break. Stepping away from the situation briefly can help you and the other party to calm down, gather your thoughts and reset.
Stay curious. This helps you to focus on trying to understand the other person and not react. Ask open-ended questions to improve your understanding and the intent.
Focus on the solution. This will help to move you away from the conflict and emotion and focus on getting to a win-win outcome. It also keeps the discussion productive.
Quote
The greatest remedy for anger is delay. — Seneca
Practice
You don’t have to wait for the next time you disagree. Use the individual skills of conflict management in day-to-day activities for practice.
Find opportunities to practice:
Active listening
Brainstorming
Emotional regulation
Being assertive
Resources
I am a fan of Jeff Sanders and the book, the 5 am Miracle.
Check out his podcasts for tips on productivity, goal setting, execution and becoming a high achiever.
https://www.jeffsanders.com/podcast/
My Resources
Below are some of my free resources if you’re new to project management.
Paid Resources
Simple and Effective Project Risk Management - for those new to project management. It will teach you what you need to know and get you started quickly.